Halloween and Bonfire Night When a Parent Has Dementia
For most families, the week from Halloween to Bonfire Night is a bit of fun. For someone living with dementia, it can be the most unsettling week of the autumn. The doorbell goes after dark, strangers in masks appear on the step, the house over the road has a skeleton in the window, and the bangs start without warning.
It also lands just after the clocks go back, when the afternoons are already darker and the evenings are already harder.
None of this means Mum or Dad has to hide away for a fortnight. It means planning a little, the way you would for any day you know is likely to be difficult. Here is what tends to unsettle people, what helps, and what to sort out now.
This year: Halloween falls on Saturday 31 October, the same evening as some early firework displays. Bonfire Night is Thursday 5 November, so the bigger public displays are likely to be on the weekends either side.
Why this week is harder than it looks
Evenings are already difficult. Many people with dementia become more anxious, restless or confused in the late afternoon and evening, something often called sundowning. Once the clocks change it is dark by five, which is exactly when the trick-or-treaters start knocking.
Things can look like something else. Dementia can change how the brain makes sense of what the eyes see. The Alzheimer's Society points out that what looks like a hallucination is often a misperception: a real object read as something it is not. A plastic skeleton, a mask, an inflatable spider on a neighbour's lawn or a flickering candle can easily be taken for something real and threatening.
The door becomes a problem. Repeated knocking from people they do not recognise can be frightening. Some people will open the door to anyone. Others will want to go out and see what is going on, which is how a quiet evening can end with someone leaving the home unaccompanied in the dark.
Bangs come with no explanation. Fireworks are loud, sudden and usually out of sight. The Alzheimer's Society notes that sudden loud noise can be confusing and frightening, and can stir up memories a person would rather not revisit. For anyone who served in the forces, that can be especially true.
Not everyone minds. Plenty of people with dementia love seeing children dressed up, and some still enjoy a good display. Start with what Mum would enjoy, not with what you are worried about.
Talk about it earlier in the day
A short, simple mention in the morning or over lunch helps more than a long explanation at seven o'clock. Something like: "Some children might knock tonight in their costumes, and there'll be fireworks later."
If they forget, that is fine. Remind them gently when it happens, in the same simple words. Use the conversation to decide together whether they want to answer the door at all.
Halloween and dementia: deciding about the door
If they would enjoy it, have someone familiar answer the door with them, keep a bowl of sweets by the door, and set a finishing time early in the evening. When it is done, switch off the porch light and put a sign in the window.
If they would rather not, make that clear from the street:
Put a "no trick or treaters" sign in the front window or on the door. Many police forces publish a free printable poster each October. Avon and Somerset Police's is here, and your local force's website will usually have one too.
Tell the neighbours, especially families with children. Most are happy to steer their own children and their friends elsewhere.
Leave the porch light off. In most streets that is understood as not taking part.
If they have a plug-in doorbell chime, consider unplugging it for the evening, as long as anyone who needs to get in has another way to let them know they have arrived.
Keep decorations gentle at home. Pumpkins, autumn leaves and a bowl of conkers are lovely. Skeletons, masks, cobwebs and anything that moves or flickers are best left out. A battery tealight in a pumpkin is safer and less unsettling than a real flame. Carving the pumpkin together in the afternoon can be a really nice thing to do, and there are more ideas in our guide to dementia activities at home.
Think about the usual walk. If the route to the shop passes a house with a giant inflatable spider, it may be worth going a different way for a week or two.
Fireworks and dementia: getting through Bonfire Night
Fireworks are rarely just one night. There are public displays on the weekends either side of the 5th, Diwali celebrations in early November, and plenty of private parties. In England and Wales, fireworks are allowed until 11pm on most nights and until midnight on Bonfire Night, so the noise can go on later than you might expect.
Close the curtains before it gets dark. It cuts out the flashes and the shadows they throw around the room. The Alzheimer's Society suggests drawing the curtains as soon as it starts to get dark on unsettled evenings generally, so this helps twice over.
Fill the room with familiar sound. The television, the radio or a favourite album, a little louder than usual, softens the bangs. Headphones or ear defenders help some people, if they are happy to wear them.
Keep the routine. Tea at the usual time, the usual programmes, the usual bedtime. A predictable evening is calming in itself.
Explain simply, and stay close. When a bang comes, a calm "That's fireworks, someone's having a party" and a hand on the arm is usually enough. If they are convinced it is something else, do not argue the point. Reassure them, stay with them, and move on to something comforting.
Settle the pets too. A frightened dog or cat unsettles everyone in the room.
If they love fireworks, a small organised display can still be a good evening out. Go early, wrap up warmly, stand near the edge with an easy way out, and agree in advance that you will leave the moment it stops being fun. Watching from a window, or a display on the television, gives much of the pleasure with very little of the noise.
If your parent lives alone
This is the week when a phone call is not quite enough. A call at dusk to check the curtains are closed and the doorbell is sorted is better than nothing, but a phone cannot answer the door or sit with someone when the bangs start.
Work out now who will be there on Halloween, on Bonfire Night and on the evening of the biggest local display. It needs to be someone they know. A new face on an already frightening evening tends to make things worse, not better.
If you live some distance away, our guide to caring for a parent from afar covers how to build a local network you can rely on.
The plan in brief
Mention it simply earlier in the day.
Decide about the door, and put a sign up if they would rather not answer it.
Keep decorations gentle, at home and on the usual walk.
Curtains closed and lamps on before it gets dark.
Familiar sound on, routine kept.
Someone they know in the house on the evenings that matter.
What this week can tell you
Sometimes Halloween or Bonfire Night is the first time a family sees clearly that Mum is no longer comfortable on her own after dark. Perhaps she rang you five times in one evening, or was far more frightened than last year, or could not make sense of the noise at all.
That is not a crisis. It is useful information, and it often arrives before anything has gone wrong. If you are noticing other changes too, our guides to the early signs a parent needs dementia care and the three main stages of dementia are a good next read.
A few questions families often ask
Should Mum come and stay with us for the week?
Usually not. A change of surroundings can unsettle someone with dementia more than the noise itself, particularly in the evening and particularly in a busy family house on Halloween. Her own home, with the curtains closed and a familiar person beside her, is often the calmer option. If she does come to you, bring her routine and some familiar things with her.
What if Dad is still confused the next morning?
Distress during the fireworks should settle once the evening is quiet again. If his confusion is noticeably worse the next day, or has come on suddenly, speak to his GP or call NHS 111. A sudden change can be a sign of infection or another illness, and is worth checking rather than putting down to the night before. Our guide to sudden confusion in an older parent explains what to look for.
Is a video doorbell worth getting?
It can help if you live away, because you can see who is calling and speak to them from your phone. For some people with dementia, though, a voice coming out of the doorbell is confusing or frightening in itself. Try it on an ordinary day first, and do not rely on it as the only safeguard on a busy evening.
Does the same apply to New Year's Eve?
Yes. Fireworks are allowed until 1am on New Year's Eve, and the bangs tend to come all at once at midnight, which can be harder still. The same plan works: curtains closed, familiar sound on, routine kept, and someone they know in the house. It is worth agreeing who that will be while you are planning Christmas.
Someone familiar for the evenings that matter
If you cannot be there in person, a familiar face who visits regularly can be. Gladys introduces local professional carers who can sit with Mum or Dad in the evening, keep the routine going and answer the door so they do not have to. You meet them before anything is agreed, you choose who comes, and it is the same person each time, which matters more with dementia than almost anything else.
If dementia experience is important to you, and it usually is, mention it when you get in touch and we will look for carers who have it. Visiting care is £32 an hour. It is worth starting the conversation well before the evening itself, so your parent has already met the person who will be there.
Find out more about companionship care and dementia care at home, or call 01225 63 77 19 or request a callback.
