How to Have the Conversation About Care With Your Parents

Most families, including mine, have this conversation far too late. The reason is almost always the same: nobody wants to be the one who says it out loud, and most of us have our head in the sand.

So it gets deferred. Until the fall, or the hospital admission, or the phone call from a neighbour. And then it happens in a fortnight, under pressure, with everyone reacting to an acute shock rather than working from something already in place.

It is harder to raise when nothing has actually gone wrong, which is exactly why so many of us put it off until something has.

Why it feels so hard to raise

"How about we get some help in" is not a difficult sentence to say. What makes it hard is everything sitting underneath it.

You are raising, implicitly, the fact that your parent is declining. You are also inverting a relationship that has run one way for your entire life. And somewhere underneath, both of you know where this conversation eventually leads.

None of that is solved by having a better script. It is made easier by not trying to resolve everything in one go. We have written before about the emotional side of accepting care, which is usually the real obstacle rather than the practical arrangements.

Pick your moment

Not at Christmas. Or during any big family occasion. The temptation is obvious, everyone is together, and it reliably goes badly. High emotion, an audience, and no time to think.

Not straight after something has gone wrong. In the fortnight after a fall, everyone is frightened and defensive.

Side by side rather than face to face. In the car, on a walk, doing the washing up. Conversations that are hard to have across a table are much easier when nobody has to make eye contact.

When you are not in a rush. If you have to leave in twenty minutes, do not start.

Open with them, not with you

The single most useful shift. Most families open with their own worry, which puts the other person on the defensive immediately.

Instead ask about them. What has got harder lately? What do you miss doing? What would make things easier? Is there anything you have stopped doing that you would like to start again? Do you fancy getting someone in to help around the place, so you can do something else you would prefer?

Then listen, properly, without jumping in with solutions. You may hear things you did not expect. Many older people are more aware of their struggles than their children assume, and are simply waiting for someone to make it safe to say so.

Things that help

Use a specific hook rather than a general one. "I noticed the garden is getting on top of you" is a line in a conversation. "We need to talk about your future" is an ambush.

Ask what they want, well before it is needed. "If you ever needed more help, what would you want that to look like?" is a much easier question when nothing is wrong. It is also the answer you will be desperate to know later.

Talk about your own arrangements. Sorting out your own power of attorney and mentioning it makes it a normal adult thing rather than an old age thing.

Use someone else's situation. A friend's mother, something on the television. Talking about a third party lets both of you say what you think without it being personal.

Give it more than one go. This is not one conversation. It is several, over months. A first attempt that goes nowhere is not a failure, it opens the subject.

Things that make it worse

A family summit. Three children sitting your mother down feels like an intervention, however kindly meant.

Leading with risk. Statistics about falls and what could happen produce fear and defensiveness rather than agreement.

Arriving with a solution. If you have researched three providers before mentioning the subject, your parent will correctly sense that the decision has been made without them.

Talking over them to each other. Particularly in front of professionals, where it happens constantly.

Treating a no as final. Or as something to be overcome. It is usually a stage, and we have written separately about why the first time is the hardest step.

Bringing in siblings

Agree an approach between yourselves before anyone raises it with your parent. Not a plan for them, just a shared position on what you are worried about and who says what.

Siblings frequently disagree, usually because they see different days and hold different amounts of the load. The one who lives nearest sees more and often carries more. The ones further away may genuinely not know how things are. There is more on what to do when siblings disagree if that is where you are stuck.

If the disagreement will not shift, an independent care needs assessment from the council gives everyone something factual to work from, and it is free.

The subjects that are hardest

Money. Many older people are far more anxious about spending their savings than their children realise, often because they want to leave something behind. Worth saying explicitly that you would rather they were comfortable now. If the worry is specifically about the house, the rules are not what most families assume.

Driving. Its own conversation and often harder than care. Try to separate it rather than bundling it in.

The future. Where they would want to live, what they would want if they became seriously ill, what they would not want. Difficult, and families who have had it are enormously grateful later.

Paperwork and legal bits and bobs. Power of attorney, where documents are kept, who their solicitor is. Easier to frame as admin than as anything else.

If it goes badly

It might. Leave it, do not force it, and do not let it become the subject that cannot be mentioned.

Come back to something small and practical a short time later. Progress in this area is almost never a single decision; it is a series of small yeses.

A few questions families often ask

How early is too early?

You cannot really be too early. The best conversations happen years before anything is needed. And what you have noticed, that Mum is a bit forgetful, is usually only the visible edge of it. Behind the scenes things are often further along than they look, because people are very good at covering for themselves.

What if my parent has always been difficult?

This conversation will not fix a relationship that has been hard for forty years. Aim for something workable rather than a breakthrough, and consider whether someone else, a sibling, a friend, the GP, is better placed to raise it.

Should I involve the GP?

Often helpful. Advice from outside the family lands differently, and a GP can raise things you cannot.

What if there is a memory problem?

Then this becomes more urgent, not less. Decisions about the future and any legal paperwork need doing while your parent can be fully involved. Our guide to early signs a parent may need dementia care covers what to look for.

They said no. What now?

Common, and not the end of it. There is a fuller piece on what to do when a parent refuses a carer.

If it would help to talk it through first

Plenty of people ring us before they have raised anything with their parents, simply to understand the options and what they cost. There is no obligation and we are not going to chase you.

If you would rather read first, our guides to how much help your parent actually needs and what home care costs are the two most people start with.

Call 01225 63 77 19, request a callback, or read how Gladys works.