When an Older Parent Is Lonely

Loneliness is treated as a sad but minor problem, something to feel guilty about rather than to act on. That underestimates it considerably.

Prolonged loneliness in older people is associated with worse physical health, faster cognitive decline, higher rates of depression, and more falls. It is not a mood. It has physical consequences, and it is one of the most treatable things on the list.

How it happens

Rarely all at once. Usually a series of small losses that each seem manageable.

A partner dies. Friends die, or move, or become too unwell to visit. Driving stops, and with it the ability to go anywhere on your own terms. Hearing gets worse and conversation becomes tiring, so people withdraw from groups. A fall knocks confidence and going out feels risky. Children live two hours away with jobs and their own children.

Each step is understandable and the cumulative effect is someone who has not had a proper conversation in nine days.

What it looks like

Older people very rarely say they are lonely. It carries shame, and admitting it feels like a complaint about their family.

What you might notice instead: the television on constantly, long phone calls when they used to be brief, or the reverse and they have nothing to say. Not going out. Declining invitations, which is often about the effort and the anxiety rather than the wish. Losing interest in appearance or in cooking. Getting stuck on the same subjects. Becoming unusually attached to a caller, a delivery driver, or anyone who rings up selling something, which is also a fraud risk. And low mood, irritability or new anxiety.

What tends not to work

Telling them to join things. If it were that easy they would have. For someone whose confidence has gone, walking into a room of strangers is an enormous ask.

More phone calls alone. Useful, but a phone call is not company for someone who spends fourteen hours a day alone.

A pet, as a solution rather than a decision. Wonderful for the right person and a genuine burden for someone who may not be able to walk a dog next year.

Guilt-driven bursts. A big visit once a quarter does less good than something small and regular.

What does work

Regularity above everything. Something that happens on the same day at the same time. Having something to look forward to changes the shape of a week even when it has not arrived yet.

Going with them the first time. The barrier to any group is the first session, not the activity. Going once with someone is often all it takes.

Rebuilding one thing they used to do. Rather than finding something new. Whatever they gave up when they stopped driving is usually the easiest thing to restore.

Fixing the practical barrier. Very often it is transport, or a hearing aid that does not work properly, or worry about the toilet. These are solvable and they are frequently the entire problem.

Hearing checked. Untreated hearing loss is a common and often overlooked reason people withdraw from conversation, and one of the most fixable.

Something with a purpose. Volunteering, helping with something, being useful. Being on the giving end is different from being visited.

What is available

Befriending services. Age UK, Independent Age, Re-engage and many local charities run these. Regular visits or calls from a volunteer, usually free.

Community transport and dial-a-ride. Most areas have something. This alone reopens a lot of doors.

Day centres and lunch clubs. Unfashionable and often excellent, particularly for someone who wants a proper meal and a room full of people twice a week.

Men's Sheds. Worth knowing about specifically, because older men are often less likely to join anything that looks like a social group and more likely to turn up somewhere with tools.

Libraries, U3A, church groups, walking groups, choirs. All cheap or free and all better attended than people expect.

The Silver Line Helpline, run by Age UK, is free on 0800 4 70 80 90, open 24 hours a day for anyone aged 55 or over, including simply for a chat.

Where paid company fits

Some people need someone reliable rather than a volunteer who may or may not come.

A good proportion of the work our carers and helpers do is exactly this. Not personal care. Company, a lift somewhere, a cup of tea and a proper conversation, and an outing that would not otherwise happen. That is what companionship care is for, and it is, in practice, the easiest kind of help for a resistant parent to accept, because it does not feel like care.

It is frequently the beginning of a relationship that makes more substantial help possible later, with somebody they already know and trust.

A few questions families often ask

What if Dad says he is perfectly happy on his own?

Some people genuinely are. The question is whether he is choosing solitude or has ended up in it. Watch what he does when company is available.

We visit every fortnight. Is that enough?

Depends entirely on the other thirteen days. What matters is the whole week, not your part of it.

Would a tablet or video calling help?

For some people considerably. Worth setting up properly and teaching patiently rather than leaving it on the side.

What if he will not accept help from a stranger?

Start with something that is not help. A lift, a hand with the garden, someone to go to the football with. It looks different when it does not look like care. Our guide to when a parent refuses care has more on this.

If it would help to have someone there

Plenty of what we arrange is company rather than care, and that is a perfectly good place to start.

Call 01225 63 77 19, request a callback, or read how Gladys works first.